


How am I supposed to Breathe?

by orphan_account



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Beating, Child Abuse, Don't read this yet you will be disappointed, How Do I Tag, Human Experimentation, Illegal Activities, Kidnapping, M/M, Scars, WIP, Work In Progress, fr nathaniel gets hurt deep he's a bigass cry baby, heartbreak??, idunno
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-17 14:42:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4670492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nathaniel Evers isn't one to get upset easily, if at all. Though when he does get upset, it's to extreme levels. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, so he doesn't do anything that would upset him. Though, sometimes it's out of his control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Self Gain

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know where I'm going with this omg....forgive me ; ;

Giving. Giving, giving, and giving. It's the kind thing to do. Don't worry about yourself, worry about others, and how they feel, or what they think. Care about them. Treat them the way you want to be treated. Give them the time of day you might not even have. Listen to them, provide for them, be there for them if they need you. Sacrifice yourself if it makes others happy, and in turn, you will be happy. That's what Nathaniel likes to think. He gives and gives, doing anything he can for other people, because his father said it's the right thing to do. Be their sunshine and brighten their day. You have to physically and emotionally do anything in your power to be the most sympathetic, caring person you can be. And Nathaniel loves it. He loves being the cause of people's beautiful smiles, or their wonderful laugh, the way their ears turn red when they're embarrassed, or how some people try their hardest to not let the slightest giggle escape their lips but then erupt in booming cackles. Nathan appreciates people letting him be there, just being a part of their life, even if he's not the biggest part.

Yes, he really does love it. However, that's not why he's so kind. Nathaniel is extremely selfish. He gives compassion and understanding because that is what he wants back. He wants people to understand how much he does for them, so they do even more for him. When Nathan offers advice, he does it because he wants you to offer it later on. When he completely drops what he's doing, he does it because he wants the same done for him, not because he truly cares about what you need, or because he's genuinely interested in what happened between the girl that got pregnant and the guy that left her, but because he wants you to care about him. He loves making people smile and enjoy life because they will associate those good feelings with him, and he wants people to indefinitely care about him. He wants unconditional respect and love, and that is why he gives it. He could care less about your grandma dying, but if he told someone that, would they be likely to give him money when he needs it to buy a new shirt he really wants? No. No they would not. And not many people see through this, if any at all.

It gets tiring, though, having to give so much, and receive nothing in return. Take the time he went out for ice cream with Eris and Donovan, for instance. Their feet pounding on the burning pavement with the heat of the sun scorching their necks and backs while they huddled too close to one another and laughed so loudly it was rude, Eli mentioning the time she came to the same building with her mother when she were little more than a child, about how she'd get out of school and her mother would take a detour from their common way home, with her eyes glowing like the stars you couldn't see, drooling at the realization that she could possibly get a cone—or two!—after such a long day of dealing with the ignorant students who didn't think enough about their future and too much about their past. She'd eagerly rush out of the car, her mother going through her purse looking for the tiny wallet embedded with plastic crystals, Eli already being at the counter before her mother could even blink, looking at the menu that towered above her, reading all the different types of flavors without actually understanding any of it, saying she wanted the most expensive, delicate one on the list because it tasted the best, and her mother would nod and buy her simple vanilla because they were practically the same thing, right? She would be so ecstatic, she'd spin in circles and her heart would skip a beat, leading to her being scolded before she dropped the delicious treat she had just received. Nathan couldn't relate.

 

They get inside, and the hustle and chatter of customers eating sundaes so large you'd wonder how they could even think about stomaching it was almost too loud for them to hear one another, Nathan turning to his two friends and asking them what they want, in the most genuine tone one had ever heard, and they blink, confused. He offers to pay, and they refuse, but he insists. He tells them to go sit down while he goes to place their order, the pastel blue walls with pink polka-dots inspiring a bubbly mood in all. Nathaniel walks towards the counter, taking note of the lady in front. She looked tired, though not because of work. She is either married, has kids, or both. She's a perfectionist, and belongs in an office more than an ice-cream shop. He turns and looks at his friends from where he stood, Eris was messing with her phone, more than likely playing Candy Crush, and had a look of natural, ethereal beauty, while Donovan didn't do much else besides yawn and complain about how gross specific flavors were.

 

He's interrupted by a questioning clerk behind the vivid counter, wearing a felt cone hat that looked more like a pile of cotton than ice cream. She looked just like the other two clerks beside her, and the ones besides them. He recalls the orders and places them, not getting anything for himself, because that would inspire a feeling of guilt in his friends which he could use later. Waiting, he couldn't help but let his mind wander, recalling the time he and Donovan went out to the movies, the sky being so dark to where the contrasting colorful lights of buildings and street lamps could have blinded you, shining ever-so-brightly. Donovan ordered a large popcorn that he didn't finish, and all throughout the movie he did nothing but comment about how unrealistic the reactions of the characters were, or how the plot contained holes and errors too obvious to ignore, earning the annoyance of other viewers, yet he had been the one to suggest they go in the first place. Black and white films never caught Nathaniel's attention, but he could bring this up at a later time when he needed Donovan to do something he didn't quite want to do.

Despite his protests and denial, Nathan could tell Donovan enjoyed himself.

 

The two cones finally arrive, and Nathan takes them both with a smile and a 'Thank you!' before heading to his friends, who seemed very displeased with the fact he did not purchase anything for himself, which was just what he wanted. 'No, no, it's fine', he'd say; 'I'm not hungry, really!'. That was a lie, one that would get him what he wanted later on.

 

Or, the time he went to the store for Scarlett, buying whatever she and her two kids needed. He didn't even know their names despite the fact they were right next to him, but that didn't bother him. She texted him the list of things she needed, and even offered to provide him the money to buy it all, but Nathan didn't accept, because that's the kind thing to do, and being kind is what will make people do what you want. He remembers seeing her while he drove into his driveway after college, outside her small home with one kid holding onto her leg and whining about the temperature, and the other, smaller child being held in her arms, swatting at any insect that happened to buzz too close. Her red hair was falling over her shoulders and onto the baby's bald head. Nathan babysat for her whenever he could, hoping to make her life seem just a little easier than it needed to be, and when she mentioned going to the store, he said he could do that, as well, and bring the kids with him, letting Scarlett get all the rest she needed. And of course, she trusted Nathaniel. Everyone trusts Nathan.

 

You see, all of this is extremely easy for him to do because he has no real concern or attachment to these people. They're not much else besides a stepping stone for him to reach his throne. Everyone is. Though, there's one person, Jonathan, who's a little...off. He's different from others. Nathan can't read him very well, and he has trouble predicting his thought process. And it irritates him. No, it _enrages_ him. Jonathan is able to get Nathan to do things that Nathan wouldn't want to do. Things so out of character, things so unwanted.

The time Jonathan asked Nathan for help studying is a prime example. He approached Nathaniel after Business Management, staring at him with bright, chocolate eyes. They looked like fecal matter. He smiled, and his teeth where as white as the heavens. It was disgusting. He held out his hand for Nathan to shake, and introduced himself in a low, raspy voice. It sounded hideous. Nathaniel shook his hand, and like usual, gave off the most warm, friendly smile anyone could ever witness, and like usual, it meant nothing. Jonathan ran his free hand through his dark, shaggy hair. It was long enough to reach his shoulders, though it was styled in a way where it barely went past his ears, and it seemed so soft, and so gentle, and downright vile. He trailed it down the back of his neck, resting it there while looking at the ground, his lashes petting his own cheeks with a touch softer than a mother's. Nathan wouldn't know the feeling.

He chuckled a little, as if something were funny, and started to speak afterwards, though he seemed to have trouble forming the words. It was embarrassing. Nathaniel did nothing but look at him, waiting for the words to spill. It took Jonathan a few minutes, though he was actually able to form a coherent sentence, politely asking Nathaniel if he could assist him in studying for the exam coming up. Of course, Nathan accepted, because that was the nice thing to do, and being nice built trust, which he could use later on, assuming he needed to. Though, this didn't feel right. It didn't feel as calculated. Instead of answering with a professional 'Yes, of course. It'd be no trouble at all', Nathaniel smiled, and said 'Sure'. That wasn't right. It was wrong. Wrong in every way imaginable. He didn't know why. He just knew. And it scared him.

 

Through Jonathan, Nathaniel met a young, small girl named Vayla. She was very, very bubbly, to the point of being awfully annoying. She had emerald eyes, which went well with her dark complexion, and tight, curled hair. She had an obnoxious laugh, but a modest smile. Vayla wasn't in college like the two of them, rather, she was in her third year of high school, but she looked like a child. Nathan remembered how easy it was back then, and sometimes he wished he could go back. Not to the education, but to the people. They were all so stupid and easy to use. He misses it. Vayla was extremely kind to Nathaniel, and even introduced him to two of her own friends; Trinity, an even smaller girl in the same year of study as Vayla herself, who was outrageously bossy, conceited, and cold, and Alvaro, Trinity's significant other, who was a lot more mellow, though just as self-absorbed. He was in college. It didn't take long at all before everyone got acquainted with one another. Eli, Trinity, and Vayla nearly instantly became their own group, doing almost anything and everything together. Eli was like a mother to the two of them. Jonathan and Alvaro bonded really well with Donovan, being able to handle his ignorance and obnoxiousness a lot better than Nathan, and the four of them started to almost always be together. Donovan went to a different school, and had a job meanwhile, so he wasn't always around, but when he was it was nearly unbearable. He was so loud and hectic, and it did nothing but make Jonathan laugh and laugh, and it lit up the entire room. Nathan didn't like the light.

Everyone seemed so close to one another, and it benefited Nathaniel greatly. They were all so open with one another, which in turn made them that much easier to read. He loved it-- No, no, he absolutely _adored_ it. If things continued like this, he'd be able to get anything he wanted out of any of them!

 

Aah, what a wonderful thought.


	2. Pure Joy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eris, on the other hand, actually does care about people. A little too much.

And she smiled. A smile so bright, so loving, so caring. You could see rays of light circling around her as she played with her silk hair. Oh, gosh, it's like whenever she looked at you the heavens would sing and doves would perch on her shoulders and rose petals would blow in the wind and just-- wow. Eris was such an ethereal being, it was unbelievable. And she wasn't gifted only physically, but her personality seemed to be just as supreme. Unlike Nathan, who, for whatever reason, couldn't really trust anyone, Eli trusted everyone. She believed people were naturally good, and she'd give all the love she could to whoever wanted it. She cares for people, a little too much. Eris didn't need much as payment, either. She didn't need your smiles, or your laughter, or your hugs. No, no, all she needed was your respect. And people gave it to her, because she earned it.

 

If you were crying so hard you couldn't even move your mouth to tell people why, Eris would be your words. If you were in so much pain you were screeching and retching under the weight of your own life, she would take all the hurt away. She knew when to ask questions, when to not ask questions, when to speak and when not to speak. She knew what was best for everyone, except for herself.

 

And so, she would cry. She would sit on the bed in her room, surrounded by jewelry and accessories all worth more than the care she didn't get from people, and cry. Eris would cry over final exams, cry over work, cry over the fact that she wasn't able to finish an assignment, cry over the fact that she indirectly hurt someone, with her hair sprouting in every direction and her lashes sticking glued to her cheeks by the salty tears which drowned her in her own depressing sorrow. Then? She would get up. She'd go to the restroom, and look at herself, and smile through it. Not because she's strong, no, but because she's weak. She doesn't face pain head on, like she tells everyone else to do, so she hides it behind her beautiful skin and her blinding smile. She'd smile at herself, before she starts to cry even harder, and pulls at her hair, scratches her existence, and tries to wipe away the repulsive snot pouring out of her nose and the revolting salts exploding out of her eyes through her silent whines, and she'd force it away. She'd tie her hair back, run the sink water, and tell herself that her sadness was not important. Eris had responsibilities, and they would get done. She didn't have time for crying, despite how much she hurt.

 

But hey, that wasn't important, right? What was important was passing her


End file.
